It turns out that in 2025, the only thing more immortal than a Marvel superhero is Jeffrey Epstein’s rap sheet. Though the disgraced financier and convicted sex offender reportedly died in a New York jail cell back in 2019 — cue the millions of air quotes — his name continues to haunt the headlines like a bad punchline that just won’t land. If you thought we were done with secret ledgers, sealed files, and enough powerful people pretending they’ve never heard of him, think again.
The latest flare-up in the never-ending Epstein saga? A federal judge hinted that more names connected to his private island, private jet, and very private guest list may be released in the coming months. In other words, cue the rich and powerful frantically Googling, “Can I be retroactively anonymous?” If lawyers start showing up at courthouses in Groucho Marx glasses and fake mustaches, don’t be surprised.
Despite multiple document dumps, including the now-infamous “black book,” the so-called Epstein Files have so far been the slowest burn in scandal history. Redacted names, partial transcripts, and mysteriously missing security footage continue to make this less a case of justice and more a season of True Detective nobody asked for. One moment we’re hearing about a former tech CEO’s “unusual” connections, the next it’s a retired royal sweating on national television while claiming he doesn’t sweat.
Even in death, Epstein is the gift that keeps on giving — especially to conspiracy theorists, tabloid editors, and anyone with a podcast microphone and a surplus of caffeine. At this point, he’s become the posthumous Forrest Gump of elite scandals: everywhere, always just off-camera, and involved in everything.
Of course, the longer Epstein stays in the news, the longer we’re reminded of the many questions still dangling like a broken surveillance camera wire. How did he amass his fortune? Why did so many powerful people cozy up to him? And how, in the age of constant surveillance, did no one see anything in that Manhattan jail cell?
Until those questions are answered — or at least until the next cache of eyebrow-raising documents leaks — Epstein will remain exactly where the powerful least want him: on the front page, center stage, and absolutely not going away quietly.
