By Kitty Litter, Special Correspondent, The Hollywood Beat
Washington, D.C. — In a bold new chapter of federal transparency, the long-awaited Jeffrey Epstein files were reportedly made public this morning—via a miscategorized site labeled “Yachtcore Aesthetics.”
Within minutes, followers of the National Archives’ DIY Nautical Vibes collection were surprised to find not glossy images of superyachts and white-linen jumpsuits, but a 47-slide presentation featuring names, dates, flight logs, surveillance stills, and a suspicious number of dolphin emojis.
“We were trying to upload scanned copies of a 1923 Panama Canal brochure,” said Cindy Witherfork, the archives’ Junior Deputy of Accidental Disclosures. .”
The files, long withheld due to ongoing investigations, national security, and generalized panic, were said to contain the names of politicians, billionaires, and several people you once saw on a help wanted site and now feel uncomfortable about liking on Instagram.
Among the most explosive revelations:
One unnamed bigwig allegedly asked if the Lolita Express had gluten-free snacks.
A tech mogul insisted he was “only on the island to install better Wi-Fi.”
A motivational speaker listed simply as “FohPa!” appears to have written “Networking Retreat” on the island’s guestbook, next to a crudely drawn mushroom cloud.
White House officials declined to comment on the leak, though a press aide was overheard whispering, “At least it’s not aliens this time.”
Meanwhile, social media sleuths and conspiracy theorists—still riding high from discovering the Pentagon’s UFO PowerPoint deck in a Google Drive folder labeled “Taxes 2017”—sprung into action.
“This was clearly orchestrated by the Deep Pintoforder,” tweeted @Patriot_MinnieMouse_420. “They’re hiding the truth in plain sight under layers of boho coastal grandma energy.”
Others noted that several documents appeared to be redacted with a hot pink digital highlighter shaped like a seashell, while a mysterious Canva watermark reading “Property of Howdy Doody’s Vision Board” appears on multiple slides.
Reached for comment, CloudCover CEO Marco Polo issued a statement: “We do not endorse war crimes, island cults, or mood boards that include both seafoam wallpaper and criminal affidavits. This violates our community standards and several international treaties.”
Still, one anonymous FBI agent admitted the method had its merits. “Honestly, we’ve been uploading informant drop points to Bitsy for years. No one ever checks the ‘Haunted Vintage Dolls’ section.”
By late afternoon, the files had been pulled—only to reappear moments later on Nowayfair, listed as a $39.99 decorative “Elite Secrets Memory Box.”
As of press time, one tech billionaire did not tweet — but wouldn’t it be fun if it happened: “I know who’s on the list. But do you?” before launching a poll asking if transparency should be blockchain-powered or exclusively available via Stinkylink brain zap. Kitty Litter, over — and way out.
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